Understanding
／Evelyn O. Shih
I remember there was an old brother in our church in New York City, whose children were so mean to him that we all felt angry. He replied to our concerns calmly, "When my children were young, I was always away from home. I didn't take care of them at all. Since I didn't do my duty as a father, how can I expect them to do their duties as sons and daughters?"
I thought about how it's truly rare to have such an understanding parent. Many fathers, especially Chinese fathers, demand their children's filialness, no matter what the circumstances. The family relationships become tense with the parents not satisfied with the children's manners and the children reluctant to honor the parents in light of the bad memories lingering in their minds. Without the quality of understanding as a lubricant, they rub each other with pressure then everybody suffers from the friction.
The brother mentioned above was very happy. He attended church regularly and was loved by all of us. Understanding had made him patient, thankful and loveable.
Understanding is like a defensive lawyer who defends your opoonent by explaining why your opponet has acted in a particular way. After you understand your opponent's reasoning, the door is opened to forgive him or her.
For example, one young woman I know couldn't forgive her mother for sending her to live with the grandmother for nine years. The young woman told me, "My mother needs me now so she asks me back. But, where was she when I needed her the most?" I let her understand the mother's situation. Perhaps she had business or school obligations and didn't want to send the daughter to different babysitters. Instead, she thought her own mother who would take care of the child with loving care. I reminded this young woman that the fact that her mother asked her to come back proves that she still loved her daughter. In other words, the mother didn't desert her daughter; she just did what she thought was best for her given the circumstances.
I saw the young girl immediately ease up. She said, " I never thought that way before."
For some people, honor your parents is a difficult commandment to keep because their parents are not honorable themselves, or they may have even neglected or abused their children. In this case, let us understand their human weaknesses and sinfulness. If we were not saved by our Lord, we would be like them too, or maybe worse. Besides, God does not need to put honor your parents as one of the commandments if every parent were honorable already.
So, in conclusion, honor your parents includes understanding and forgiveness of the negative along with the positive such as respect and recompensation of their kindness. Remember, this is the only commandment with a promise; that is, God will bless you with longevity and your children will follow in your footsteps to honor you.
